my life so far

f20 lo:california /im not sure what my next step in life is or where i’ll end up in 20 years / i often drink and smoke not because it makes me happy or sad but it shuts my mind down i have adhd extreme anxiety very insecure which has stoped me from making friends and the friends i do have now i just don’t feel like the connection is there any more we don’t share the same hobbies unless it’s drinking and smoking or boys those only seem to be my hobbies any ways but i’ve been trying to switch it up as going to the gym just doing better in life. i’ve tryed going to the gym with them i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing but there pretty loud and just don’t use the machines correctly or even come in gym attire and ik it sounds like “ oh seems like your picking friends for aesthetics” but that’s not the case when i go to the gym i really wanna work out and take it serious not have everyone looking at us like where loud crazy people i’ve personally started going to the gym alone facing my anxiety which hasn’t been to bad i just want a different life and there not bad people but i do feel like are morals/ life’s styles/ home life styles/ shared interests has changed . im close to one of the girls in my group let’s name her 2 . me and 2 got close in the summer because we are in a friend group but weren’t that close before we have a big interest in boys and alcohol, we went on a binge drinking everyday from summer until practically 2 months ago during that time i’ve realized how much i’ve have set my self back because she used to this life style her family kinda comes from things like this unlike mine i mean we have issues but no where near hers. my thing is i wanna change i don’t wanna continue the cycle but i always see my self back there because i have no self discipline she doesn’t wanna change her life at all it feels like she talks about everything she wants to do but never starts it . practically just the whole friend group consists of us play arguing or even real arguing calling each other names( there jokes) but lately they seem like things have been built up. even having a normal conversation with them i get irritated fast i feel like such a dick head because if i leave i’m gonna be sad/miserable if i stay i’m gonna sad/miserable. i just feel like im gonna be stuck in this part of life. i wanna find friendships who are happy we help each other out do more positive things while being able to drink and smoke not often but occasionally i just feel like i burnt so many bridges because i’m insecure asf which led me to argue with every girl i’ve ever know over boys. idk this is long might make a part 2 in more detail. ANY ADVICE PLEASE