4 hours ago
11
we had gotten together and I’m a huge opioid head I’ll do anything to make me slump I’ve been on 7-oh for a while at my highest dose I was at 300mg a day regardless she’s not an opioid person really, she liked uppers. We had gotten together for the first time in a while after taking a break because we’re both heavy alcoholics and I wanted both of us to get better, my attempts were in vein. We get back together after about 3 months if not seeing each other maybe a little longer. I brought my doses of 60mg worth to keep myself going without getting sick and she wanted some so out of my 60mg I gave her 15 mg because they were 30mg pills that I split, and said it was potent, she didn’t seem fazed by it after taking it but we were also completely hammered. We got some food after this then went to bed together. I woke up at 9am got dressed, poured myself some whiskey, called my family for a few to ask for my card info that I had left on the fridge at home, my family said it would maybe be 30 minutes before they were home to send it to me, so about 11am after finishing my whiskey and checking my phone, I go to get back into bed with her to snuggle while waiting for my family to send my card info I get back in bed with her and she didn’t move or anything when I cuddled up next to her so I was like “damn girl’s out cold still” then I started to poke her shoulder a little being playful because this was normally about the time she’d get up and I wanted to tell her I was getting us breakfast ordered in. After lightly shaking her a little bit of panic sets in the back of my mind but I’m like nah so I go to look at her face, we were both laying on our right sides, it’s still so clear to me the way her lips were such a dark purple, I screamed and started crying then ripped the blanket off her while screaming her name, her whole right side she was laying on was purple, I then knew she had to be dead for a bit besides while trying to shake her a bit heavier she was just stiff, I already had 911 on the phone, they were on their way and I was running in and out of the apartment screaming to track my phone number and while screaming a nurse that lived next to my friend came out and I said “go in there she’s in there”, she didn’t even touch her I don’t think, she just seen her and came back out shaking her head. I feel so empty rn I’m trying to be nice to people and family and stay kind but I just want to stay in bed and take pills/ drink. I feel like this is my fault for giving her the half of the 7-oh pill I was taking. She was on a heavy booze bender which I didn’t know about till after all this Atleast not the extent of it. I used to drink on 300mg and not have an issue so maybe it’s not what killed her I get the tox screen back within a month now at least I pray sooner than later, her family’s not blaming me either, really no one is because we were both “addicts” but Im blaming myself a lot rn. I’ve thought of offing myself so many times since but I just can’t do that to my family too, this loss in the community is enough for this year. Her smile was like no other, she could light up a room with it. I’m sad to say I think she definitely was my first love outside of alcohol but also glad to say in a way, I’m just so sorry we had to say goodbye, I’m tearing up just writing this and I just keep re living that morning. I just hope she’s happy now, no more pain or suffering from alcoholism or mental health problems, I just want her back though. I hope she knows how much I loved her.
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