Mistake

I miss him a lot , and i am thinking of messaging him first but this time he was the one who told me to go ,he was the one who told me it's better to stay us apart and if i can't give him what he want then he don't want me in his life . Every time i was the one who used to let go of him but whenever i missed him i msg him and he always answered, he was always there for me but now even if i miss him i can't go back to him because now i think he is better off without me and if i went back to him then there is no one who could be more selfish than me . I can't hurt him now because i am hurting , i don't know how much i hurt him in the past but he still stood there for me every time . What if he don't want me in his life now , what if he forgot about me and living his best life and found someone who actually give him what he deserve and me going back to him still with empty hands will only hurt him . This is the last thing i can do for him , by staying away from his life . Don't let him hold onto the past and live his life and get what he deserve. We've know each other for 5 years and now it's all gone . Its been 1 year and 6 months now since we last talked , i only thanked him in our last conversation and now i am regretting that why didn't i said sorry for the things that i did that hurt him . He was my friend but i regret that i took him for granted and thought that he will be there for me , and i think because of my actions i lost him . Now i want to share a lot of things with him , i want to yap to him , tell him things that is happening in my life , things that i am hearing about other people but now i don't have his no. And i don't have guts to msg him first because this time he let go of me . I blame myself that why can't i have those same feelings for him the way he had for me and i am being honest here i tried i really tried but i wasn't able to . I blame myself a lot when he said that i give chance to random peaple but i never give a single chance to him it's him know why i never did because they are RANDOM PEAPLE for then i am also random and i let go of people very easily so losing them won't hurt me or them but if it ever happened between us and if i were not able to value his feelings than he'll get hurt and i will lose him and there was no way of turning it back. I always thought that he find someone who will value his feelings , the feelings he were having for me could be put for someone else who give him same in return.
Even though i enjoy being liked and like to brag about having someone who liked me but deep down i feel shameless and guilty. He deserve a lot better and he will get it one day i know for sure . Maybe we can't be friends no more and it's fine cuz he is happy and i am satisfied to know it .