“life is lifing”

Life the past 2 years have been so up and down. For starters, I(24F), have 2 kiddos and I’m engaged. I have a 7 month old and a 3 year old. We’ve been a one income household, I’ve stayed home with the kids. Daycare is insanely expensive. We are losing our home after Christmas and the weight of that is crushing me. We are moving in with my mother thankfully, but it’s been so hard for me to cope with. My fiance was a corrections officer, working night shift and it got to a point to where it was no longer safe for him to be on the road to come home from work and the schedule in general just didn’t work very well with our everyday lives.. but we tried to make it work the best that we could. Well, my fiance decided to give his lieutenant a verbal heads up that he wouldn’t be working there anymore due to being promised to be moved to day shift for 3 months straight. Because of this, we had to give the landlords a heads up that we just wouldn’t be able to afford the rent anymore right now.

The landlords were very understanding and im thankful, we didn’t want to go through an eviction and have the issues that come behind that. Our 3 year old is level 2 autistic and needs substantial support and we decided that we wanted to try ABA therapy. He is nonverbal and it makes me extremely anxious thinking about him going to a daycare where he can’t speak for himself.. it terrifies me actually. We had an assessment at home with a BCBA and he was a few short weeks from starting ABA therapy at home, where we could both learn how to help him more and gain knowledge on how to handle behaviors and such. Now, that’s all down the drain. I’ve been super down about it, because it was such a huge priority for me to get him started with that. The ABA centers we’ve contacted don’t want us driving a good distance to bring him and in home at my mom’s is just not really an option. My parents don’t like people in their house and that’s just a whole different can of worms…

When my fiance came and told me “I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep up with everything anymore” I was upset with him. One, bc a part of me just wishes he would have just stuck it out with his job at the prison at least until he could transfer to somewhere else and two, because I felt resentment at the fact my son couldn’t start his ABA therapy. He got upset with me and told me he wishes I could help and I do too but I’m just stuck and don’t know what to do given how everything is with our son and also we don’t have a lot of help when it comes to childcare so that isn’t an option. I just wished he would have had a backup plan in a way.. I would constantly tell him, I would love to get a little part time job to bring in some extra money but our schedules have to align so he can get home in time to take over with the kids or vice versa. I know it’s not his fault and today’s time is hard for everybody. He wants me to be able to stay home, but it’s just no doable right now. We got gifts from the angel tree this year, which is insanely awesome. I cried at the amount of appreciation I had for people who go out of their way to do something so kind. I’ve been dealing with BPD which doesn’t help at all. All the things I’ve felt towards this situation have been extremely intense and it causes me to just want to lose my shit entirely but I know that I can’t. My stepdad also recently called my fiance the N slur which has caused me to think about a bunch of stuff as well.

I’ve been far from in the Christmas spirit. We still have gifts to wrap and I’m trying to make it as magical as I can. But as a parent I just feel like I’m failing my kids. They have no clue what’s going on.
I just want to take the Christmas tree down but I haven’t because I don’t want to take that experience away from the youngins. This was my first time of getting my own space that’s peaceful and now it’s just gone..

Does life get better? Will it always be so hairpulling stressful? I’m struggling so bad in every area of my own life. I just want stability in my life. I’ve never really had that, and when it finally felt like I had it, it’s just ripped away. I prayed over this home and anointed it and I’ve even had my conversations with God just asking why. My fiancé is a hard worker, He’s wanting to go to a really dangerous prison here in Georgia which truly pisses me off. All because he wants the “thrill”. My mind, body and soul are just so tired. I want to go to school and make something more of myself but I’m scared. I had an IEP all throughout school and was always discouraged of going that route by my parents bc of it. I hope 2025 is a lot smoother… idk if I can take another bad year again. Sorry for my long post…