Its hard to be a friend when you feel like a loser (34M)

My life has been miserable lately. Out of work, Lyft driving to survive, no partner, and feeling like a loser. I have a small group of out of state friends. They’ve all gone above and beyond in life. I have one that insists on either gaming or calling every couple of weeks. It seems fair, and most people would agree. But I just get this gross feeling, especially with the calls, that I not only don’t have anything to say, but I just need to entertain.

I’m not going to break down with my bud on the phone. I’m going to just do the song and dance that he’s use to. I’m going to make stupid jokes and think about some silly story and watch the clock till about 20-25min goes by and end it. I hate feeling this way, but if I had a job, and felt good about myself, I would look forward to these things. I would want to be a friend.

It’s just another form of work for me. It’s just a reminder of how much better their lives are than mine. The envy and jealousy I have for their lives makes me sick and resent being their friends. I secretly wish they forgot about me and just left me alone to be as miserable as I want to be. Because I know that would be more peaceful.