In survival mode for too long

34M I’ve been in survival mode for as long as I can remember, and honestly, I’m exhausted. When I was 10, my parents sent me abroad for a better education. I stayed with home-stay guardians, who, while lovely, did their duties and nothing more. I felt so alone. I saw my parents once a year for three weeks and we rarely talked via international calls (that was the start of the internet era).

By the time I was 12, I started cooking my own meals because it was expensive for my guardians to cook for me. I cleaned my room, my toilet, did laundry and ironed my sch uniform, took bus to school, and basically took care of myself. I remember to this day that when my classmates’ parents drove them to summer camps or outside school activities, I had to figure out the bus route on my own using maps (this was before everyone had smartphones).

At 18, I moved into a university student dorm and continued navigating life independently. When I saw parents helping their kids moving into dorms and saw them worried and crying, I felt so alone. While my parents supported me financially, that was where their involvement stopped. They were millions of miles away. Whenever I sought emotional support, I was guilt-shamed for being “weak” and told I should feel privileged to study abroad. I was reminded that someone where I came from would die for this opportunity, and I shouldn’t complain about “minor inconveniences.”When I asked for motivation or encouragement, the response was often about money: “How much do you need?” But not everything in this world can be solved with money. Sometimes, I wished they’d say "I proud of you."

On top of that, I was constantly told as a kid not to trust anyone because people were always out to take advantage of me. As a result, I grew up distrusting everyone and felt the need to double-check everything, even when there was no reason to. That mindset helped me survive in some ways, but it’s also left me feeling isolated and unsure how to truly connect with others, as I have been seen as someone who doesn't trust anyone.

Now in my 30s, I’ve realized how much these experiences shaped me (mostly, negatively.) I’ve grown into an anxious person who distrusts others and struggles with relationships because I’ve been conditioned to manage everything on my own and to question everyone’s intentions. I have been in survival mode on my own for long enough to realise that I do not need anyone for emotionally, financially etc. I also do not have a deep connection to my parents (I doubt they even know the true me as I rarely talked to them).

If I were to have a child of my own in the future (a big if), I would never send them off to a foreign land and let them survive on their own.

This post isn’t about blame—it’s about reflecting the impact of my life journey so far. For anyone out there who feels like they’ve been in survival mode for too long (for any reasons), you’re not alone. We deserve to move from just surviving to truly living.

These days I have started to try out different hobbies while trying to break free from this constant survival mode.