Immediately fucked it up with my dream girl.

I’ve tried to write about this a few of times but couldn’t find the place. I’ll try to keep it short.

My ex left me absolutely destroyed. She was cruel to me for a couple years before we split. I was strong enough to take the abuse and never would have left, but one night she came to me with tears in her eyes and said she was not bi, she’s actually a lesbian. A few months later the final gut punch came when she disclosed that she’d actually started dating another man.

I dove headlong into sex, and kink. My soul ached for it. My first new lovers worshipped me, told me I had the perfect body, perfect cock. I fixated on it. I never wanted to feel undesirable ever again. I made it my purpose in life to sexually gratify women.

What followed was a long and messy year. I forgot about love and kept finding myself with incompatible women who left me feeling. mostly used me as a kink, cash, or validation dispenser.

Then the night before NYE a pretty woman matched with me and asked me to come over. I’d been sick for two weeks and would have gotten snot all over her sheets, so I said no but invited her to a dance party the next evening.

She lived two blocks away. She was a responsive, creative, and casual texted. She also vaped. She’d also majored in psych. She also kept a list of hundreds of horror movies she’s seen or will see. She was also sober off booze and uppers for eight years. She joked about rehab and told me to touch her scars and bit my lip so perfectly when we kissed.

The confluence of all these thingshad me googly-eyed. I acted like a goof because I figured we were such a natural match it didn’t matter. Plus I’m used to women wanting more from me, not less. She ended up bailing on our new years date at 10:30, and I drove us back.

She was texting me later in the night and said she still wanted to meet the next day. When the next day came she left me on read all day. I sent her a passive aggressive text saying “not sure what happened, hope you have a good rest of 2025.” And I blocked her. I realized what a mistake that was and texted her a couple times over the next couple weeks, but she read my frantic pathetic texts for what they were and ignored me.

I feel like such a creepy, obsessed loser. I know I’m just a guy she met once, but I had forgotten what it feels like to actually be with someone compatible.

I’m mostly over it now and just went on a couple dates with someone who seems nice. But I’ll always wonder what it would have been like if I hadn’t been dying sick, spiraling from recent break ups, getting torn apart during an anxious episode.