I want to be better but I just cant

I’m a 22 F and I am so toxic towards myself. For background I had a hard childhood full of bullying, a mom who always made me feel like shit/ugly/useless and dumb. I have bipolar disorder, ptsd, and severe anxiety as well as pmdd. I also have Intracranial Hypertension. Anyway, Ive been distancing myself from my bestfriend because well she pissed me off by being very self centred but I think I did it too because I keep comparing myself to her and others who are like her. Shes super fit, healthy, has a new house, she is so disciplined its insane. Doctors tell me I need to lose 30 lbs to go into remission with my intracranial issue and I cant even do that. I just sit here wishing I was skinny and healthy and had energy to take care of myself. I did bloodwork and have 0 vitamin D, I have thalassemia and I cant even keep up on taking vitamins everyday along with my other meds. I just have always felt like such an ugly useless mess my entire life and the feeling gets worse when I’m on my period. To top it off my IG and FB got hacked and i thought i was okay with it but im finding myself going a little crazy without it. I literally hate myself right now idk what to do.