1 month ago
22
I was just watching this YouTube video about sex tourists becoming obsessed with the women they pay. I find it interesting what people would do for sex as I have never really been able to prioritize that as a man. Or at least enough to constantly engage in transient behavior. Mostly because of some childhood exploitation i pretty much assume anyone who likes me probably wants to exploit me. Or take advantage of me or hurt me. Sounds crazy but I usually have to go through these steps of thought to start making rational ones.
I just got out of a very long 10 years relationship and somehow I think the only reason why I bonded so much to her, why I felt I would never be happy with anyone else is because I think i truly felt like deep in my heart I would never be worthy enough in another persons eyes. I think I overlooked a lot of red flags when we dated and tbh she was abusive. I never told her outright and she wasn’t like a bad person. But when her bpd acted up and she would split sometimes it felt like there was nothing to do and nowhere to go to feel safe. It was exhausting the last ten years. It triggered my mental health issues for years. She would apologize and always acknowledge her mistakes afterwards but even that starts to wear thin on you. Even when I think about how we ended up together and how she treated me all these years. I literally told her like dozens of times I can’t offer you anything that’ll ever make you happy. But she fought for it.
I felt at 22 I was a very emotionally stunted person and truly only could offer my body but that’s it. I felt so stunted as a young man. I had so much pain from like unresolved trauma that it just never got addressed and I was dysfunctional. deep inadequacies I couldn’t even verbalize yet. I never once ever considered that maybe I wasn’t worthless. Or that I was deserving of anything good because I was treated this way by the my father for so long. I truly don’t know how to be happy still.
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