I never did drugs or anything serious like that, but I still massively messed up my life

I am 23 now, and I feel so low now. I feel like the trauma I suffered in my youth plays a big role for becoming who I am now. In high school, I was bullied and seen as weird. I mainly focused on classes, but even with intense studying, I didn’t really excel. I didn’t get to play sports because I can’t pass tryouts, and it pains me to see everyone who did play sports were seen as popular and made so many memories. All of these are far more successful than me now, so I don’t want to hear any of you talk about how they peaked in high school.

In college, I thought it would get better but it got even worse somehow. My grades got even worse when classes required more brain power than I had. I couldn’t even get into an engineering club in college, and that prevented me from ever landing an internship and eventually a job. I couldn’t even get invited to any parties, and I was still ostracized. I spent tens of thousands of dollars to wasted four years of my youth. Even though there is supposedly an engineering shortage, I never found an engineering job with my degree.

It hurts too because my past performance affects my future, and I am always reminded about my failures everyday. The military won’t take me because of my bad grades in college. I can’t get into grad school. I have so little options in life. I can’t stop beating myself up for the horrific mistakes I made, and I know there aren’t any second chances. What do I do?