I’m starting my life late and it scares me.

I’m a 28 year old man. 29 this summer. I still live with my mom and never had a job or relationship last longer than a year. But you’d never guess it from looking at me. I’m good looking, relatively athletic, no harmful habits like gaming or excessive drinking, I have a large circle of friends and make it a point project confidence.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Last year I finally started taking steps to get my life together. Got out of dept, got my drivers license and started working full time for the first time (minimum wage). I joined the Canadian primary reserves (our equivalent of the national guard) a couple months ago and am currently going through the basic qualification course. It’s brutal but I have no intention of giving up.

Long term I’m looking at a career in law enforcement. It’s at least 2 years away given the application process and my current work and course load. Best case, I’m starting a new career at 31 which is embarrassing to say the least.

Same goes for dating. Only started dating last year. I lost my virginity at 27. It’s humiliating. I dove head first into hookup culture and slept with a number of people since but haven’t been able to enjoy it. I used to dream of meeting “the one” but now it seems so hopeless. Every time I’m with a woman it feels like I’m making up for lost time. It’s like checking off an item on a list. I’ve met some amazing women but I just feel so numb when I’m with them.

Same goes for every other positive aspect of my life. Every achievement in my job, course work, finances, even when I make someone laugh I just feel numb. Like there’s this little voice in my head saying “it’s about time”. I’ve come pretty far but I’m nowhere near where I need to be.

I’m scared that I’ve missed my chance to be happy. That I’ll always be making up for lost time, covering up my boring past, seeing human beings as obstacles to be conquered or avoided. That I’ll hate myself forever.

If you made it this far into my self pitying diatribe, thank you. Any insight is appreciated.