I'm so messed up

So normally i do really well for myself have two jobs long term partner 10 years cat supportive friends.

Got dianogses with adhd 2 years ago started titration on meds in December the first ones I got prescribed methylphenidate gave me mania kept telling the prescriber he kept telling me to take them. Made a formal complaint nothing happened.

Got put on elvanse in the end 70mg didn't sleep more than 40mins a night started drinking heavily lieing about doing it to my partner due to previous issues with alcohol smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. Got put down to 50mg signed of work due to burn out. The medication does seem to work with conceration as I did get more work done when i was at work as well as not being so loud in the office. Still drinking and lieing burnt through a 2k credit card. Peeing myself really drunk going out alone.

I'm so overwhelmed nothing I do works I've got good mental health knowledge take all the vitiams supplements have well had a good routine. Have hobbies good friends. Good boundaries.

Feel so let down about the medication as I struggled and waited for so long. Feel let down by services for mental health and adhd.

My gp told me I was the most self aware patient that he's seen but I think this is the problem even though I know what's wrong my mental health is so bad that I can't stop my bad coping mechanisms but because I'm self aware I can explain how and why I feel to myself.

I don't no know how to get better because I'm still processing the medical tramua or what I'm going to do about my dwindling funds or how to move forward tbh.

Oh the gp also gave me sleeping medication but I just am terrified to take anything else.

I've also got mutiple adverse childhood experiences as well as sexual assault tramua. I've mostly healed from the childhood experiences but the sexual assault tramua I've not really processed because of having to manage the adhd and also having two jobs and life being so overwhelming.

There isn't any free therapy that I can access due to cbt not working for me and being complex and self aware I mostly get frustrated with councilors because they aren't tramua informed in the correct way and suggest basic actions that I already do. Antidepressants aren't something that work for me or I want as its situational and not

I cry at random moments forget to eat for days and don't even feel like myself anymore hence the self soothing with negative coping mechanisms.

I don't want to stop trying new medication for my adhd as my impluse control was killing me.