9 hours ago
3
At least I think that's what's going on. Hopefully it's not just a cope.
When I was young(er) I didn't try dating because none of the girls I knew were 'special' enough. I did have crushes, and I would overanalyze whether I can make a 'story' where that person could be my 'soulmate' so to say.
I have fallen in love again at college. I was more easygoing and open to trying out dating, accepted I'm attracted sexually to a lot of girls and was thinking whether that action happens in dormitories, but no luck meeting girls. But that girl almost felt like the one, with the only issues being I was jealous of her personality, felt inadequate and immature, and she was really unattractive to me physically. I had a hard time reconciling with the fact I'm so superficial that looks are a dealbreaker to me. I made a compromise by deciding to give her a chance, really slowly and if there really are enough green flags I'll try dating her. Except we had a hard time agreeing on time for coffee dates despite both wanting it, and eventually she found somebody else by the time we had a good 'date'. I thought that will make it easier, but I only ended up fucked up for a few years.
When I realized I'm still attracted to many girls and that everybody else takes dating less seriously, I started hating the fact society made me believe monogamy is the answer. I realized I could be emotionally and sexually intimate with several girls, just none of them being my 'soulmate' I had a hard time deciding on what exactly I wanted, and accepting I'm too messed up for a relationship.
Just as I decided I only want casual dating, I met a girl with so many same interests that I knew I didn't want her to slip out of my life. That was the biggest red flag to me - girls similar to me only seemed to make me suffer, and I wanted to hook up with basic boring persons whom I couldn't fall in love with. It was obvious since the moment I met her this could become a relationship, but I was scared of being limited emotionally again. I pretended to be okay with any kind of relationship, and despite her seeing me as some kind of womanizer she of course wanted a relationship. The relationship had many issues, I still felt alone, and after a year and a half it broke when we were both unstable.
It's been a while, and I had no luck with dating. My ex is the only girl I ever was with. I went on a few dates, and still think every day about a few girls, who either rejected, ghosted or blocked me already. I knew they wouldn't be good for me, but I'm practically obsessed with them because I was overthinking and finding ways to get attached to them.
I want to hook up to satisfy physical urges and to score a body count for confidence. I want to be emotionally exposed and safe. But it seems I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself because I don't feel any of them can satisfy my true desire for a soulmate. And I'm not looking for one, because obviously soulmates don't exist. I want to just let things be and accept any kind of relationship that could naturally occur with a person, but I'm sabotaging my dating because I feel like any of these girls would just mess me up.
A few years ago I 'solved' this by deciding to go only for completely plain and boring girls, but now I want to be with someone who is really fun at least. Or really hot. Or whom I have a lot to talk with. Basically I want to prove there are people for me. But I'm scared of consequences.
Just what should I do???
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