I’m heartbroken, and I did it to myself

To make a long story short I let myself build an attachment to this girl I work with and now I’m suffering the consequences for it mentally. For those that give a shit here’s the context.

I’ve liked this girl since Fall last year, around the time she joined our team. I thought she was cute but I didn’t start really liking her the way I do now until I slowly got to know her more and started hanging outside of work with her. We’d hang for hrs on end, like 6-7 hrs on end even right after work, just walking around drinking tall-boys and just talking. It was all platonic but I really dug her vibe, with every hangout I started liking her more and more. Then things got less platonic.

One night we hit up a bar after work and she gets really flirty with me towards the end, she started wrapping her arms around mine and resting her head on my shoulder. Long story short we ended up making out that night for idk how long. When we got to talking about it she stated she started developing a crush on me, BUT stated she just wanted to be friends (since apparently she was talking to a girl at the time). Sucked but I respected it.

The second time this happens I run into her at a bar, she’s there with her friends and I’m there with mine. We say our hellos then get back to vibing with our friends, then towards the end she comes and finds me so we can take shots together. Me and her left the bar and end up at my apartment, just when I thought I’d gotten over her by that point we’re laid up in my bed watching a movie. We start making out again and right before we’re about to progress she stops it and says once again that we should stay friends. She kept reiterating how much she liked me but couldn’t get too involved with coworkers (her last workplace relationship at our job was a toxic man that cheated on her with a minor apparently). Once again I understood but the shit definitely sucked because it felt like right when I was about to move on from her that night out just resurfaced feelings… only to end up in the same results.

This is all really on me though for allowing myself to 1. Build an attachment early and 2. Not setting a boundary myself so that I could move on quicker, since she’s a coworker it’s hard avoiding them as it is but I felt I could’ve played my part to not let myself devoid so much of my emotions, mental health and heartstrings on this. I’ve liked other girls at my job but my feelings for them never got this deep.

The reason I’m heartbroken though is now I’m suspecting her and another girl (another coworker) might be having a thing. I’m not 100% but I have a feeling. Not that it’s any of my business anyways because we aren’t/were never together, but being turned down for one alleged reason then seeing the same person “going against that” with someone else stings. Again, I did this shit to myself but it still hurts.

I have no reason to hold any attachment to this girl, but even acknowledging that I’ve allowed my brain to like her for so long that this process of moving on feels brutal as all hell. And yeah I get it, “don’t shit where you eat”, I’m just now seeing the repercussions. It’s crazy that I’m even feeling this way about a girl I never dated, yet the pain feels akin to a breakup, I’m amazed how much I let myself let this girl effect my mental health this much. Today in particular I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I’ll move on eventually but this shit sucks.