I'm a failure and it makes me hate myself

I hate having catchups with my friends, it reminds me that I'm a failure.

They are thriving at work leading their own teams, getting engaged, buying first and seconds homes and having babies. I'm....I'm failing my bloody theory for the second time in six months.

I've never been in a relationship, I'm getting messages from my doctor telling me I need to contact them to discuss the results from the blood test I had to check if I had PCOS, I'm entering 2025 with no job cause I was so stressed and burnt out from working long days that I'm grinding my teeth and binge eating. Oh! I also got diagnosed with combined ADHD and I've put on over a stone this year and my self esteem is in the GUTTER. I feel so ugly and alone. Like I'm trying....I go gym, I'm trying different meds....I just can't do anything right. It's like I peaked at early and have just been going downhill.

I don't have the energy to keep showing up for people anymore. I'm happy for them, but I hate when they check in and I have so little to say. I hate how when they talk about babies someone feels the need to caveat that people are having them in their 40s. I hate little jokes about how I need to spice up my life and the worst? I hate feeling so disconnected from the conversation.

I just dislike myself so much. It feels like I've wasted my youth and my life so far. I just want to sleep.