1 month ago
28
I can't make sense of my thought process and how I come up with the choices I make.
I fucked up so bad. I torture myself. I had a poor upbringing. Father was an alcoholic, not around much and abusive to my mother. I was SA'd by my sisters first husband. My best friend died my senior year in high school.
Fell in love so young. Spent 18 years with my high school sweet heart. He became delusional. Addicted to hard drugs and alchol. We have two boys together. I left him when it got to hard to stick around from the accusing and him attempting to kill me and himself.
I have been single for 4 years now and supporting my teens by myself. I did well for myself for not having a degree in anything. Landed the perfect job being able to have a home and afford to live comfortably.
But I had made the most devastating choice that totally turned my world upside down. It mentally destroyed me. Now I continue to make the worst decisiona and digging myself into a deeper hole.
The situation caused me to leave my dream job and move back to my hometown and take a job I know I'm going to hate and may not be able to make a living. I act before I think and I just keep making mistakes off of impulsive and emotions.
I'm stuck in a nightmare and feel like giving up everyday. I have no idea how I ended up this way. I've always been a strong and intelligent person but there was a shift somewhere and now I just don't want to continue. I feel like there is something on my life like I was born to suffer. Once something great happens for me I somehow know to fucking ruin it. Now I'm back to being a no body living in a shitty apartment in a shitty town. I gave up the best job and home just to be even more miserable. I have lost so much.
Wtf is wrong with me!!??!? I never gave myself time to process the trauma and heal. I just let shit flow and now all those emotions are flooding my brain. I can't focus on anything but the past.I don't have family or friends to fall back on for support. I am doomed for life.
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