I hold a grudge against my parents for treating me badly when I was being sexually abused.

Hey everyone, I just need to vent honestly, I feel so bad.

First some context: I am 20f and I am an adopted child, I was adopted by my mom and I have been raised by her and her mom, my grandma. When I was 7 I started being sexually abused by a friend of my family, it was the hardest part of my life.

When I was 8 my mom lost his job, everything at home was awful, my grandma was stressed and my mom too, my grandma started blaming me about her health issues and saying that it was all my fault because I was failing at school, I was failing because I was sa by this man and I could not focus, Idk how to explain it but it was like I was not able to get the knowledge of the books, I was abstracted of it.

During that time, my parents used to fight a lot, and all because of me, and I used to cry, when I cried my mom told me that I was an asshole and that I was all day crying, I'd never forget when she called me asshole for the first time for failing an exam, I was only 8 for me was hard.

Then at the age of 9 the friend of my family came and told me we where gonna do a new "game" I was scared because of that game and runaway and told my family about it, they all started screaming and were visible mad but then something happened, my aunty was there because it was a family reunion and this friend and his wife were invited too, I told my mom what was happening and my aunty was there too, she started blaming me and saying: why didn't you say anything? why? were you enjoying what he did to you? I was speechless all I could do was crying and feel embarassed asf, I remeber the feeling of embarassment was awful.

After those comments my mom almost beats my aunty, they started fighting and screaming at each other.

The thing is that now in my 20s I am going to therapy and I have realized that I do blame my mom and my grandma for what happened but also I hold a grudge on them for the way they treated me when I was failing my exams, for the absent of paciency they had, for the bad words, for everything, and I feel bad for it, because they have given me a bed, shelter, an education, but I cannot make those thoughts dissapear.

Anyway if anyone has suffered something similar, or just want to give an opinion everything is more than welcome, thank you all.