1 month ago
17
I have not long hit 32 years old. I have just realised I don't actually care about anyone. And I'm not savvy enough to have relationships to survive. I take everything at face value. I take. I don't actually respect people.
The reason I know this is because recently my 2 friends. One of them I had been living with for 8 years, moved to New Zealand. At the same time, there were a lot of nurses who joined the hospital, all from India. I think I really struggled. I realised I'm probably racist. (Around this time I dyed my hair red, I have bright blue eyes).
I struggled with the new housemates. I just spent the entire time lashing out at everyone to get attention. But at the same time everything felt real in a sense, I couldn't make sense of how I was feeling. I needed my friends back, and I was doing anything to get their attention. I spread rumours about my family. All sorts.
Now, I don't have any relationships. I now realise I don't actually respect any human being. I'm 32, and there is little hope for me changing.
I've also realised I can't make any decisions for myself. I need somebody to do it for me. This entire time, I thought I was better than I actually am. I've just found out I'm a useless asshole, at 32 and I wish I'd known sooner.
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