i have a plan to indulge in BDSM in my early adulthood but not for the reason you might think

im a christian. yes. and i try to be a real christian and not lukewarm. I had a tough upbringing with love that was either not there, cool or just saturated and had no substance to me. I have daddy issues from the lack of time i had with my dad. he would come home and spend max 3 minutes with me back then. thats it. he just asked me how i was doing and no matter how bad it was, i said i was fine and maybe show him reluctantly what dress my step bought me. nothing was there but im trying now. I know that many people who dont have good relationships or strong relationships with their dads, especially women, end up DISASTERS in society. they dont understand their worth and how strong and independent they can truly be, and i had my fair share of this with a couple of boys. i was tired feeling sorry for myself, and i know there is only one way to fix the damage i have in me. i need to experience bdsm, but not the hypersexual kind, i mean i need dominance, i need discipline, i need a man to guide me, so that i can learn how to guide myself and be stronger. Another question would be, but is that not achievable in other ways? like a normal relationship with this? well, if it could happen, i would love it to. I am not only disgusting (by the words of another girl i thought we were cool with, but its ok were chill now)but im also not mentally old enough. i am wiser than most teens, but i need emotional guidance. I have problems understanding others and their feelings, although i do on the surface level, its still tough. I end up hurting people because i dont understand bundaries sometimes, i think i might be a little autistic. idk. I guess im gonna have to go on tinder and try to find common ground with a man who knows and understands this and what it feels like lol. I want him to also help me not earn light feelings for every man who crosses my path. the true intention is to fix myself, for myself and others.