I hate being so behind, romantically

I know so many people who are getting married, are pregnant, or are getting married because they're pregnant. I hate being so behind. I mean I don't want a relationship right now because I always feel sick and sad and uncomfortable when I have a partner, but when I'm strong and mentally ready I'd love to be with someone who hopefully, (like, fuck) loves me.

But I feel... so behind? I've never slept with a girl and I'd love to learn. I doubt many people wouldn't tolerate that for much longer at my age. I feel like if I date someone they're gonna be like "Great, perfect, let's set up the joint bank account and move my stuff in, when's the wedding and how many kids do you want? We're not getting any younger. Also fuck me good right away and every time or I won't try to love you." Like everything feels like a transactional race.

But I want like... young relationship stuff. I wanna shyly cuddle with her for the first time. I wanna hesitantly reach for her hand to hold for the first time. I wanna feel safe and comfortable and loved and happy when we have sex for the first time (praying for that). I wanna learn everything about her and savor every moment with her and take things nice and slow and as they come naturally. I want to actually feel loved and cared for and hear and thought of, whatever that feels like.

That feels so unrealistic I hesitate to even look for it. It'd be lovely if I could find a loving, long term relationship, but it feels foolishly out of reach. I don't think I want what others want.