i feel like i’ve been isolated for too long, i feel too detached from others

and what makes this feeling even worse, is knowing that it’s literally only because our brains are naturally wired to seek companionship to feel purposeful. so what parts of myself do i even have control over? what parts of me am i actually choosing to be? i feel constrained, sometimes i wish i could defy my own biology. i feel too feeble

anyways, ive been isolated for an alarming amount of time and im afraid the damage is irreversible. i just feel totally detached, the things i used to be interested in when i actually had friends, no longer interest me. or at least interest me significantly less, and thats what aided my compatibility with them. i was isolated in high school, im isolated within my own family, i only have one friend irl and we haven’t spoke in months. im 18 and its been this way for years, it’s embarrassing to even admit. i feel pathetically alone, everyone my age has friends and things just took a turn for me ever since high school, like im on some deserted back road while everyone else is on the highway

I used to have a friend a few years ago and she was my ideal friend. we motivated each other, we could be fully honest without judgement, we’d have meaningful conversations as well as nonsensical ones. we could be silly together and also strive for growth. we could bond over our superficial AND intellectual interests and fuel each others thoughts. we even started a business together despite living on opposite ends of the country, because we just motivated each other so much we thought we could work through that obstacle together. we inspired and empowered each other while it lasted, we truly felt like an unstoppable duo. but things happened, and the duo did indeed stop.

i just wish i had those kind of people in my life specifically, most people drain me but that friendship energized me. it makes you feel seen when you have at least one person that just gets you and vice versa. it makes you feel like you actually exist. but im afraid i never will meet someone like that again, its already been years since i have. i just feel exhausted of being inside myself for so long. like ive been this way for years while growing up, it only makes sense for life to continue this way into adulthood because its how i developed and what im used to by now.

i feel weak for even wanting more. ik i should be content with what i have and just work on building myself up and my life, but life is more colorful when you have other people to expand your palette