I dont even know what I need

This post is really hard to write just because it’s so much information, basically my whole life. In the last few months I have been really reflecting on my experiences and my desired experiences (dreams/things I want to do) and I dont know why but I have this feeling in my chest that things are not really going to work out for me the way I want them to but I will still have to exist living a life where I can’t/wont/dont get to achieve or do things I desire.

I was recently removed from a project at work where it was really starting to wear on my mind (call center customer service type stuff) and so I haven’t been making money for a week while they are working on finding reassignment opportunities. They emailed me and said there’s a position that is similar work but it’s in healthcare and it’s onsite instead of wfh. I’m so conflicted bc in my chest I feel so much resistance to accepting the reassignment bc it’s basically worse conditions that the last position since I’ll have to go to an office and it is going to be customer service for healthcare providers. My first point is that I hate customer service but my resume is 80% cs, and in the area that’s the majority of the jobs available here. My second point of resistance is that they pay is less, not minimum wage for the state but it is barely enough. My third point is it just feels like a step backwards, I have a plan to find remote work and move out of the country and this position just feels backwards. But also for this plan I have to work I have to have no debt and right now I have debt that I am trying to pay off while I’m studying so I can get a better paying job and therefore accelerate my timeline for my plan.

If I dont take the position I will have to enter the job market and I’ve read so many posts abt people applying to thousands of jobs and only getting offers after 8+ months and they have way more qualifications than I do. I dont have that kind of time to wait for an offer. And if I try to go a business route through side hustles/online business there’s so much conflicting information and information that you have to pay for first. Not to mention I’ve already spent so much money on courses and books and mentorships where they dont actually help like they say or it was general info I could’ve gotten from YouTube or Google.

There’s so much more too, I’ve thought about filing bankruptcy and using the money that I wouldn’t have to pay towards debt to work on moving abroad. Can’t do that otherwise I’ll take a significant loss. I’ve tried so many businesses and side hustles and none of them end up making more money than they cost. I’m also exhausted from being in this survival mode all the time and I feel like I can’t think clearly bc im always having to worry abt something.

I enrolled in college just to get a degree bc ppl dont take you seriously without a degree or 10 years experience in anything. But now I really hate the major I’m in and I might not even be able to change it bc the school doesn’t offer what I’m interested in as a program.

This turned into a gripe session but I am really starting to feel lost, and like the title, I dont even know what I need.