I dont enjoy being happy

At least what I think happiness is. I enjoy feeling fulfilled and inspired (which I rarely if ever do anymore, I really miss that) but contentment is annoying because it never goes away. Idk what to do with it.

I also always felt that in order to feel happy I would have to fundamentally change everything about my identity and be further disconnected from the people around me. I feel humans are more in search of comfort instead of happiness and I don't know which is better.

I was socially drained in highschool my edgy nerdy friends who i used to find amusing just didn't feel the same. My love for art, comic books, videogames, movies, music dissipated. I just kind of continued doing those things out of habit and i would be tired all the time.

I guess im content with life but I have no innate need to create or be of value to the world which would be fine if i was always like this but I used to be so passionate when i was younger. I lost my job and probably have no future and this is the happiest I've been in my life. I don't even like people, I wish I could find it in my heart to but I don't. I like my parents, and my family in small doses but anything deeper than small talk or the mundane drains me. I rarely feel bad for people. I might have brain damage. I have trouble adapting to this change in personality and I wonder if the times where I have felt things are even real or just me acting how I think I should act, If the way i communicate or express myself is real, if i subconciously forced myself to be happy as a response to the anhedonia I got in my mid teens.

When I'm on weed or tired I actually don't feel happier, I usually just don't feel anything towards anything or anyone at all and it feels more right and comfortable than being happy, I used to not only pretend to feel for other people but also convince myself I did or didn't feel things, I still fuckin might. I used to force myself to feel attracted to girls I logically recognized as conventionally pretty, I used to force myself to feel bad for people who have been going through a tough time who I also forced myself to like. I just wanted to feel like the person I used to. I would rather be able to cry at funerals than feel this way, I actually slightly enjoy feeling sad cuz it reminds me that I have actual depth and connection to other people.