I don't even know what I want anymore ?

Here I will be writing all that happened today. I have lot to tell

I woke up late, around 11 Am, yes I'm a lazy person .. Well, today was bad. Really bad.

I heard about her , yes. My crush… well. I have lot to say about her and me,

So as I was saying. I was after waking up. (brush and face wash only) and ate breakfast. It was cauliflower and roti (typical). And So I went to work on my laptop. Just a project I’m working on. It's a chatting app. Anonymous chatting app where people can chat with random people.

As I was working it was around 1 PM. My brother came to me and said “My crush just went by” My heart sank…. Fuck … Man it's been like 6 - 7 years since I last saw here maybe in like 10th grade. But back to the topic. So yeah, he told me that she went by. And I felt like a dagger in my chest. Anger ? rage ? Fear ? anxiety ? Everything I went through with different emotions was a couple of minutes.

I felt myself dying from inside. Why ? the reason is ….

When I was in 9th grade, My classmate got a crush on this girl. As a typical student in 9th grade, I was interested in this talk. So as I talked to him, I wanted to see her. And I did.. It was her “Viv, called her this for “fake” “ fuck, even her name is so damn good.

But there was this one problem, I was shy, introverted, growing up in an overprotective household. I was not even allowed to go play outside. Because the road was in front of our house. I couldn't talk to her.

I don’t know how but I got my friend (not the one mentioned above.) to help me with this. I know this sounds bad. Because she was the crush of one of my friends. But fuck.

I was a child, what do I know about that ?

So through multiple attempts, I finally confessed to her but she rejected me, She didn’t reply. Nah. she didn’t ignore me, she just showed me her hand, as if stopping me, I could see her line on palm. The chocolate I thought she was going to eat. My best friend was eating it after that. I felt pain, suffering. Everything, it was my first love and got rejected.

BUT I didn't take it to heart, after some time I finally got her number. We started chatting and everything went smoothly. But I couldn't talk to her in person, the confession I talked about earlier I did in person tho.. After a lot of courage.

Well whatever, let’s skip the middle part. It's boring, So one day. I wrote a letter for her. It was heartfelt…I put my all into words, even though I can’t draw.. I drew some … smiley ? I think on that page. But I made a mistake. I gave a test on that same notebook and got caught…. The teacher took me to the principal and no I didn’t get beat. Nor called my parents. They simply listened to me. They asked me how I felt in love with her and all. And yes it was me, a single student telling 12 teachers in the office about my romance… it was fucking embarrassing. But I was a dickhead. They took advantage of me, they asked me how many other couples there were in class. And I told them, every single one. Just to save my ass. Yes. I betrayed them all. I told them everything… I was saved but not them, they all broke up after a week, I feel sorry for them still now. It was my fault. They all knew…. .It was me who sold them,,, and then karma hit me hard.

The friend who helped me with her. Helped a person outside of my school. He was in 12th grade. Yes. he helped him, and just in a week, I saw my love getting stolen , cherry on top ? he is my fucking neighbour not like face to face house, just lives in same village.

So yes. Now it's been 7 years…. Since that day.. I fell in love with many girls but never dated. Got trust issues but who am I talking to? it was karma, and it hit harder than anything… It was always one sided love. I saw myself becoming a side character of my own life..

Thankfully.. I did grow up a little personality wise. Now I am dominant. Or so I want to call myself.Now I have confidence , I can talk, both in public or in front of one. But yes I never dated as if I got cursed, I saw 5 girls after then fall in love and became side characters. I guess karma did curse me, huh .. can’t even laugh at myself now.

Now what I’m left with ? Nothing. I have nothing. Just an empty shell trying to be human ? Want to live life ? What a joke. Now back to the present. I was working on my laptop… when my brother said all that. And then came my mother. She was smiling. Yes she knew about “Viv” too. I felt anger. And I shouted at her to go out. I felt pathetic… I don’t love her “Viv” . I don't love her. But I don’t know why I can’t face her now. Not ever…

My household conditions are not good. We are poor as fuck… I felt embarrassed. Fucking 7 years… yet where I’m nowhere I did nothing. Worked for nothing. “Dominant” my ass.

I’m a loser. I don’t have a surname, but if I got chance to add one “loser” is good surname for me,

For the whole day I didn’t get out of my house. I knew they were still dating. And since she saw my house. I knew one thing for sure she must have thought “Poor”. She too doesn’t belong from a rich family.. Her father is a driver. At least he was since the last time I heard about him, but I don’t know about anything anymore.

I knew she went to her boyfriend's house, after all that is the only person she knows in this village if she came here.

Life is fucked up. I can’t even tell anything to my parents. Everytime they hug. I feel more and more drowned in life. They say enjoy life. But from where do I start enjoying it ? What's the roadmap… ?

Fuck I wanna cry..

Key points:

1. Don’t be a loser bro… I know how it feels.
2. Try to be better. Don’t chase anything.

“Life, A mystery of 80 years some lives happily, some dies sad, some have power. Other got shit”