I am haunted by the person who hurt me most who is also the only person I love

I often have dreams where she soothes me, which makes sense because she was was the only person who knew what I was dealing with. It's like in these dreams she is the only one who raches out, who's voices and warmth I can feel.

And I want to hate but I can't, she hurt me so much, literally abandoned me, and yet I just want want her near me again. I have achieved so much in life but it feels meaningless, yet in my dreams when she's around it feels so comforting...