3 weeks ago
6
So, I have a group of friends (that does not include all of my friends) that call me a hater for my... black and white view of relationships and even women, all due to my one past relationship, plus the experiences I've heard of and insight from female friends that totally understood how my ex would act solely because they were female (However, I do usually end up being right, so... idk). It gave me an "all women are the same" perspective. Its been like that since 2020 August, when me and my ex (first and last girlfriend (only experience) broke up mutually. The relationship lasted a year (only 6 more days and it would've been exact).
However, recently, I met a girl and began to like her, but instead of emotionally, it was mentally. I didn't feel anything, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. Anything I did other than talking to her was boring, but we both have busy schedules, and time just felt so slow all the time. I wasn't getting notifications so I kept checking the app to see if she responded to me, over and over, and I hated it. Staying busy didn't even help. I think this started on a Friday, but I was in my living room sulking on a Saturday afternoon and evening, I think. But it was her personality. She's pretty and I felt like she understood me. Not knew me, but understood. To her, I wasn't a hater but bold, which is true because another friend of my pointed out that I have no filter, which I had never noticed. I would say things and he would say, "You can't say things like that!" and I would be confused on what I said wrong. I'm not really into society and have very low social skills. I don't even know most slang or like it. Anyway, she also seemd to show... a sign of being trustworthy. Trust, of course, goes a long way, but there was a sign, at least. I just never thought I'd end up liking her even though we talked a lot.
My issue was, I just didn't want to be thinking of her. Not sure why, but something just didn't feel right or I just didn't like it. It was, in a way, new, and one of the two friends I spoke to of this even pointed out my dislike for new things. It's been a very long time since I liked someone, and I usually have rejected people, so why her? Why now? Like I said, I've rejected others and tried to avoid relationships and had a black and white negative view on them. There are other reasons like, I don't want marriage or kids, and because I don't want kids, I don't participate in sex and try to avoid it. Yes, there's protection and birth control, but I do not trust them 100%. The best way is to just not do it at all, and many seemed to have very high drives or its like an obligation for any relationship, really. Even my grandma was trying to say intimacy is needed. I even avoid romance scenes in movies and shows. Maybe the "crush" felt off because of how fast things were from my side? Or because I felt it wouldn't be something mutual from her side. I mean, I did say we talk a lot, but it was always normal talk and I guess we were getting to know each other. But I thought I hardened myself to things like that; liking people - or... women; I'm straight. I felt and still feel like a hypocrite because of my negative views and beliefs, yet I somehow fell for someone.
To clear things up, despite my negative views, I never had a problem with being friends with women. They're totally cool and one of my two bestest friends, for almost 8 to 9 years when we met in high school, by the way, is a female, happening to be one of the one's that gave me insight and one of the two people I spoke to about this situation. It's just always been something platonic. Idk. Some people don't understand that platonic friendships can happen and/or be real. Actually, both people I spoke to about this are women. The other, I've known since we were in elementary school, also went to middle and high school with. And I have not told the boys at all. It's just a relationship thing I'm against, and honestly, that could be general (not just a women thing) because I could just say it won't last instead of faulting the woman. Anyway...
Its been a week. I got over her some days later, maybe not entirely until now (I'd say Monday? I said this started Thursday or Friday afternoon). I went on an adventure Sunday night and shot some hoops. The adventure didn't do much, but shooting hoops did clear my head. At that point, I was "over" her but wouldn't have minded if things escalated ("Whatever happens, happens!"). She was still on my mind and stuff, but I wasn't stressed like before. Either way, the whole thing kind of ruined me and confused me, and I'm still there now. Not only am I still confused, but I don't even know exactly what it is I'm confused about. I just know it evolves around the situation of her and/or liking her.
Additionally to the confusion and hypocrisy, I also felt and still feel embarrassed by myself because of the hypocrisy, and by her because I do not know what's going on from her side. I didn't tell her I liked her or anything, but communication has... disappeared from her, and anything we spoke of was nothing related to me liking her or anything. It was simply related to doing some work together. So even though I seem or think I'm over her, maybe I'm not? Really, I just want my friend back, but that's only going to clear or somewhat clear up any embarrassment I feel from her, and my confusion on the communication. I will probably still feel embarrassed of myself and feel like a hypocrite and still be confused. And maybe I'd still have embarrassment from a sense that, maybe she's told a friend of hers. And while before, I was confused as to why this had happened (me liking her in the first place), I do not know where this confused feeling is coming from because I do not know what I'm currently confused about. Only that it evolves around this situation. When I say I'm confused on why I fell for her, I understand why as in I think she's pretty and like her personality. I just don't understand why as in, even with all the likeable features or whatever the word would be, I shouldn't be falling for no one. So confusion on that and the confusion of lost communication as in, "what do I do (wrong? if there is anything wrong)?" or maybe something being wrong with her so, "is she ok?", since she's been reacting to group messages. So two things I'm confused about. One idk (could even be multiple things), and the other, lost communication. I would like to and will give her space, but again, as long as I know I at least have my friend back or a confirmation, I'll be less stressed, I guess, feeling less embarrassed by her (if at all) and feeling... normal again, not liking anyone and being happy single. I may like talking to her, but that doesn't have to be romantic.
Hypocrisy
Confusion
Embarrassment
Just wanted to see what others think, I guess.
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