Long story short, I am afraid to take control of my life and actions. I am afraid to do things that i plan on my own, or things that I actually do not need to do. Throughout my life I have been told to do things and i am used to things being that way. Obviously stable home means I had good guidance as a kid. Then when i went to school, everything was laid out in a way. You are supposed to do what you are asked to. Homeworks and stuffs. Then i made a decision about what to do in college. but i did consult people in that decision too. ik i shouldn't expect to make every decision on my own without ever talking to anyone about it. But I did what i was asked to do in college too. and after i graduate, if i get a job through my college, which ik that i will, I will be stuck with someone else ordering me what to do. it would be like i never did anything for myself. I cant feel good about my simple decisions like choosing something to wear without seeking for approval. Most of my decisions were based on me agreeing with someone’s opinion or disagreeing which led me to do the opposite thing. These opinions are from people i do trust. but it just feels like I should have a clear part in my brain too that would tell me what to do. Ik tthat this might stem from low self worth issues or something. its not like i havent tried. its just that i just cannot do something unless i absolutely have to. For example i do wanna learn video editing. its not part of academia or anything that anyone suggested me. but i just give up after a few days. cause i do not need to do it. I feel like i am missing something that complete the explanation of the problem, so feel free to ask about any part you didnt understand.
i need to take control of my life. i need to feel like i am in the front side. not like the front seat is shared by everyone around me except me.But i would also wanna mention that I have had problems with desire for controlling everything in the past. I would want to control everything I do and never accomplish anything. Because of the pressure
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