How do you keep the motivation going?

Since I was 19 (43 currently), I have pretty much given up on life. I knew the world was going to hell no matter what anyone did, and it all came true. Every time I try to get something done, it eventually falls apart and my mental health goes to crap.

In 2015, I was in the best shape of my life and was always out and about. I got my first job in a long time and then the road block hit hard, I got injured at said job on the first damned day. I had to get surgery to fix it and my physical health, that had worked over a year to get to where it was, was gone. I went from 240 to almost 300 and have no motivation to get back.

My mental health is so bad, that I have pushed pretty much everyone away. I talk to one person every day and a couple more each week, but none of them are family. I haven’t talked to family in years and the last time I messaged one with good news, they left me on read. That was the last straw, it just broke me. The only reason I don’t end it all is I don’t want them hurting, but I’m so tired of being in pain.

I want to get back to the motivated happy person I used to be, not use those qualities as a mask. I just don’t know how anymore