How do you get out of being a "nice kid"?

In my childhood I was punished a lot, physically and mentally, and I was only paid attention to when I received good grades or did what my parents wanted. Over time I've developed an attitude where I want to be more "nice", "good", "smart", "caring", when in reality there's a beast sitting in me raging at all humanity in his lonely misery, because all these behaviours are only aimed to manipulate someone to love me, playing the masks game.

I meet more and more people in my life and I see all those things my "holy child" would deem inappropriate, but in reality they're just normal expression of fun, sexuality, caring relationships. And instead of experiencing sincere bonding with other people I'm just always wondering what I NEED to do to be loved, instead of caring about and seeing other people. In reality, I'm absorbed by my "safety" and "belonging" making sure I don't get punished or abandoned.

Is there anyone here with the same thing? Have you ever resolved this? Really want to hear what others' experience in that may be 🥲 I've heard about codependency and ctpsd, but I just want to have a convo about it all