How can I figure out who I am?

I journal everyday. Mainly about my schedule and what I'm going to do throughout the day and just things that are important to me, goals, what I plan for the future, etc. And I carry this curse. I call it that because I have been dealing with it for three years now and it sucks. It makes me wanna bang my head against a wall repeatedly into a wall til it bleeds. The curse makes me feel ZERO affection. Towards anyone. Mainly females because I'm not gay but that's not important. I just want this to be GONE. People have no idea what it feels like to have this. To not be able to feel happy with a person you genuinely love. And it doesn't help me seeing cute couples in the school hallway either. (I'm 18 btw) The likeness is what can reboot in other people but not me? Wtf. I love God and am not blaming him. I just feel that this has gone too far and I'm going insane. I'm not happy. I can say that because this has been burdening my mind and it just never goes away. Somewhere theres a Clay that's literally screaming constantly and won't stop because he's In pain because of this curse. And Im afraid that If I don't fix this it's going to ultimately lead to me to do stuff that I would lny normally do. Earlier I tried to take a nap but my mind was so fixated on the curse that I couldn't and somewhere in my mind thought of this thought and I tried to brush it off but It kept coming back and back and it wouldn't stop until I talked to someone.

Help me.