Here's my rant

School was tough, my life has felt like an unrelenting spiral of chaos, disconnection, and panic. I began with ambition double majoring in Cybersecurity and Psychology, publishing a capstone paper, and diving into side projects that once gave me purpose. I mastered six languages, created gourmet meals without even tasting them, and hiked 30 miles in the rain despite not being physically fit, always pushing myself to the edge. But beneath the surface, everything started unraveling. Toxic friends manipulated and broke me completely, pushing me to attempt something I wasn’t supposed to do. I got kicked out of my fraternity, blocked by people I thought cared about me, and cut off contact with nearly everyone, even my family. Classes, work, and life itself became overwhelming, and I began drinking every day, vodka replacing water. At this point, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a proper meal or did something for myself without feeling the crushing weight of failure.

The panic is constant, a relentless storm that drowns out everything else. Traveling once my escape feels hollow now. I’ve flown halfway across the world, from Hong Kong to Turkey, chasing fleeting moments of control, like getting a rhinoplasty because I thought it might fix something deeper inside me. I’ve spent nights wandering foreign cities, disconnected, even while surrounded by people. My all-or-nothing mindset has left me exhausted, trapped in a cycle of perfectionism and self-doubt. Every small mistake snowballs into a mountain of regret, making it impossible to move forward. I miss who I used to be the person who could laugh, connect, and enjoy life but I don’t even know how to start finding that version of myself again.

Now, I feel so freaking lost. The dreams I chased with relentless intensity feel meaningless, and every achievement whether it’s publishing research or learning a new skill feels like a hollow reminder of what I used to believe in. Life has become this heavy, suffocating weight, where I’m constantly questioning my choices and whether I’ve made too many wrong turns to find my way back. I don’t even know what to do with my life anymore, and the thought of taking the next step feels terrifying. I just want to find some kind of peace, some way to make sense of it all, but right now, it feels impossible.