Having a past self you don’t like

I don’t like who I was in the past. People say don’t look at the past, but that’s the problem. I don’t get to be proud of myself. I don’t get to look back and love myself. What adds to this and what is large chance the main reason is that I worked so hard in the past. I worked so hard in the past just to be disappointed in who I was now. I’ve made so much personal change in the last ten years I really don’t recognize who I was as a person. And that’s because I’ve changed fundamentally. I didn’t go from liking ketchup to mayonnaise and that’s it. I consider myself a screw up in the past and now I feel like I can’t share that part of me because that’s what I never wanted to be. I didn’t work so hard to be a screw up.

I’m thinking about how some people proudly say “I used to be screw up, but then I did blank”. I have that going on and I don’t feel proud of it whatsoever, because I didn’t work so hard to be a screw up. I didn’t want that to be my story. I wanted to be one of the people who were good from the start. The fact that I was a hard worker adds insult to injury. I feel like I can’t bond with people who were never screw ups and I can’t ever tell my kids I was one. Even if your kids will accept you, I don’t want to sit them down and then say “it’s okay to screw up because I used to be a screw up.” I didn’t work so hard so that could be my story but here it is, because it is my life.

I want to be massively successful, but now, even if I do, I still have this on my record. I’ve done several amazing stuff in the past few years, but I still have this on my record.

I think of characters like Wolverine in Deadpool and Wolverine and they say he wouldn’t be the hero he is without his hangups. Would you want to be a hero only because of what you went through?

I feel like I have to be one of the people who embraces what is and what can be, but I feel sad I can’t be one of the people who looks back at the past with pride.

I do not want to hear “if you didn’t want to be a screw up, you should have worked hard.” I worked hard and still screwed up. Hard work on its own does not necessarily lead to success.

What do you guys think? Do you think I’m being too hard on myself.

Btw, I do not have a criminal record if you guys are wondering.