Grief Is A Gift

Evening! I am a 24M and growing up, I never experienced death in a really personal way. I've had grandparents die as well as distant relatives, but it never quite affected me as much as I was told it should; I never felt close those people, they didn't know me. It was only when my dear friend Tyler passed away 7 months ago that I really earned the right to wear the scars of losing a loved one. He was a brother and a leader, he was everything to me. Coupled with losing my only grandmother 3 months after this, and watching others' reactions from that, I've had quite the chance to reflect and re-contextualize what grief means to me.

Only a couple days after his death, I had to attend a wedding. But, ironically I wasn't dreading it. In fact, I was looking forward to it, in spite of this loss. I felt this opportunity within me, this strange hunger to be alive. The only way I knew how to mourn, was to celebrate living. So I danced **hard** that night, like I've never danced before. I made sure to laugh till my belly grew sore and cramped. Our drinks would hit our lips and down to the floor as we belt our favorite songs. It was a perfect and wonderful night, a stark reminder that I am alive.

So I danced, because he wan't here to dance himself. I laugh, because he wasn't there to share in the joke. There are people who are no longer here; people who had their shot. And it all just reminds me that I still have mine. My friend was 26 years old, he had so much going for him. Taken from an age where we're just getting started. But I celebrate him, despite the tragedies. He was a symbol of hope and leadership to those who knew him. I do not pity the dead, I pity the living; because we must go on without them.

When Tyler died, something brewed in me, something unexpected. After his death, I instinctually yearned to be around those I loved. There was a sudden gratitude that had overcame me, the love I could no longer give to him, I gave to those who are still with me. This became cathartic; it was healing. This loss taught me there is everything to gain in being here, on earth. There isn't a manual on how to handle this shit, but I do feel safe in knowing: Death reminds me to live, because there are others who can't anymore.

How do you experience grief?