Fighting bad version of me.

I (20M) every day I go thru the feelings of judgement, hatred, insanity, laughter, emptiness, carelessness..but not sadness. Fueled by inner bad me.

When ever I try to do something like improving life or some skill, I hear words in my mind that it's waste of time and it's pointless, basically ruining my interest or morale. I don't even know how to describe or explain it to you all. But it's the same thing as having devil and angel on your shoulder. But the devil is dominating my mind and ideas.

I have been feeling hatred towards happy people. I start laughing at people who get hurt physically or mentally. I lost interest in finding relationships or just feeling love. When ever people talk to me, I just put on fake smile. I stopped caring about finding a job that I would love or career.

But why am I posting this? Because I also feel inner pain for doing those bad things. I don't want to be an awful human being. Every bad deed I do just hurts my dripping empty heart. But that feeling of improving stops when I wake up.

I wanna be a good person and I want to improve life. Cause let's be honest, I won't survive for more years since my job career is also screwed because I only came to work for money and not for interest of learning and improving my career. But I wanna restart my life from scratch. But don't know how when there's devil on my shoulder.

Yes i been too therapy year ago but it failed. But I'm trying by tiny bit little in improving, I quit smoking and reduced heavily on drinking.

Sorry if this sounds like a vent.