Feeling very unstable after losing both parents by the age of 23.

Hey everyone, not sure if it's the right place to post but I'm kind of desperate so here it goes.

I lost my mom nearly 4 years ago (in 9 days it will be her 4th death anniversary), my dad passed away 2 weeks ago. They both died suddenly. I'm 23 currently and an only child.

I lost my appetite, lost 5 kilos in 2 weeks, I also feel guilty when I eat (was sad about gaining weight just before my dad passed away and I was getting pretty obsessed about losing it, kind of afraid of developing an ED), one part of me just wants to keep on losing weight.

I'm on sleeping pills but I can't sleep correctly, I'm very tired but I keep waking up early and have trouble going back to sleep. I can't focus on the things I like to do normally, I make plans to do them and just keep postponding.

I'm a college freshman (dropped out when I was a sophomore after my mom died, moved abroad to my dad's country, learned the language and started a degree this past fall similar to what I was studying few years ago), I feel like I hate what I'm studying now and I hate the small town I live in, I feel like I'm missing out. I'll finish the 2nd semester but I want to go to a big city and major in something that actually interests me next fall. It's the college application time, I should start doing things but I'm too tired (will try to take an appointment with the reorientation center in my college to figure things out).

It's not even about wanting, I feel like I MUST start new. I hate where I'm at so much, I can't stand being at the same place or doing the same thing next year. This place makes me nauseous, the courses disgust me, I keep having mental breakdowns in classes (stopped studying, I don't even do my assignments anymore), seeing the students around me just having a fun time and enjoying themselves fills me with inexplicable anger.

I feel like I'm starting to develop a victim complex (I hate it), I want to change my life around so bad and make a fresh start but I'm terrified of things not working out. I'm afraid of colleges refusing me and being stuck in this small town studying the thing I hate so much. One part of me also wonders what will change even if I manage to turn my life around, it's not like it will bring my parents back. I'm so afraid of the future.

I can't focus on anything else besides my grief, and there are still moments I'm just hit by the fact that I really have no parents left. I struggle with suicidal ideation (don't plan on going through with it), I look at things from a very black and white perspective. I have to change, I have to become someone else, someone completely new, otherwise I feel like I won't be able to make it.

Does anyone feel the same, did any of you go through something similar?