Divorced, bankrupt, lost a loved one, got laid off and got sober all since April. How do I stop being so hard on myself to be perfect?

3 weeks ago 12

As the title states, I have been through a lot this year. When I wake up, I still have to remember that my wife is no longer here and that everything fell apart. Then I remember my father figure, my wonderful uncle, died in front of me in June. I barely had him in the ground when I got laid off during bereavement. My divorce crushed me emotionally and financially. I wasn’t a perfect husband and I would drink 2-3 too many beers too often but she was my life. She blamed the alcohol on her cheating on me and said she’d come back if I got sober.

I don’t want her back anymore because sobriety helped me see one reason I drank was because she was so chaotic. It was my “off switch.” Still, I love her deeply and it hurts seeing her with another man online.

When we separated I was drinking up to 25 beers a day and in a dependency loop.

Today marks 110 days free from alcohol and weed.

I’m really hard on myself and I’m making good money but I have an impossible time being at peace. I’m still in my 30s and I do a good job raising my kids, I think. But my inner monologue is so negative. I’m so hard on myself and I refuse to let myself be happy until I “fix“ my life.

To make matters worse I am clinically obsessive compulsive and do not deal well with change.

My bankruptcy just went through but my head is spinning as I look for something to grab onto on the way down.

I thought about ending it all the week before I quit drinking but I could not let my children grow up without me. I have no one to talk to and can’t really afford therapy right now.

Has anyone else ever experienced a great deal of change and loss all in a short period of time? If so, how did you show yourself grace?

How can I be easier on myself and find some semblance of happiness? I did a 12 step program and finished it in September and made a lot of apologies but it didn’t release me from guilt like I thought it would. I’m stuck.

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