A lil lost

So I feel like I'm stuck in this loop of self victimization. Idk how this will sound but here we go. So I'm kinda grieving the loss of a parent and a grandparent since a year and ofc I'm still not over it and I don't think I'll ever be. But I've come to the point where I think I don't deserve anyone anymore so if anyone shows any sort of interest in me I feel like pushing myself away cause I think their life could get destroyed cause of this bad energy that I carry and also I feel like they deserve someone much better than me. Idk what this is but I can't get myself to think that I deserve anyone or anyone's love anymore it's so hard to think positively my brain just takes me down the negative road no matter how much I try or others tell me. Am I self victimizing myself a bit too much? Is something wrong with me? Or is this normal?