1 week ago
18
Goddammit I feel weak for this.
A couple of days ago I had my birthday. I liked it and had a great time. I have been struggling mentally for the last month or so, feeling hopeless, without identity and oh so sad most of time. This period of darkness was triggered by couple of specific medicines reacting weirdly, but even when they have left my body the sadness lingers. The birthday was a nice glow of light in the dark. So I decided to make a nice Instagram story of it. Nice pic of myself, nice song and all, and the likes rolled in.
Context number two is to know about a girl I have been interested in for a bit now. We talked and spent time together, ending in me asking her on a date. Something came up for me so I had to rescehdule, but she responded with just saying that she has been struggling mentally and wants to be alone. Like three weeks passed, and I felt like to contact her again. I texted her asking how she had been, she thanked me for asking, said that she was tired after the hour. Not knowing what hour she was referring to, I asked her and never got a response. I thought that was that and could forget the girl. Hurt a bit, but still.
Now the same girl wished me happy birthday on post, with an upside down smiley face. This has sent me on a spiral of everything. I felt a bit better but now I feel like I don't know where I stand with her again. I feel like it's showing interest from her but I also feel like if I would do anything I would just get rejected again and seem like a creep.
It's all coming back now this one trigger sent me over the edge and it is not even about her anymore. I don't have liike any one major event or thing fucking me up but its more like death from a thousand tiny cuts, and her wishing happy birthday was the final straw apparently. I feel so lost and alone. Not knowing who I am not knowing what I should do with my life not knowing where I stand with her not knowing how should I feel not knowing if my childhood was bad not knowing if anyone really loves me in any way.
I thought the worst was over. But after like four days of niceness im crumbling again. Everyone likes me but no one loves me. I feel so pathetic for wanting connection like I should not want to feel it.
It was not like this a month ago. I was confident, social, funny, succesful and all around great. Now I am crying in my bed writing this alone in the dark. I want to go back.
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