39(F) lost and completely disillusioned with my life

Hi Redditland,

TL:DR; I wasted my 20s on mental illness and addiction. Got cancer when I was 30, lived with my parents my entire adult life. Finally, I was able to move out and be successful in corporate for 3 years to have another manic episode.

Now, I’m almost 40 and freaking out. Due to all the trauma of the above, I got diagnosed with a functional neurological disorder (PPPD) and am unable to work in an office.

I quit corporate and live with my parents who are supportive but I’m not motivated to do anything because I feel like I wasted my life and the chance to be a success.

I have so much free time. My corporate jobs were in content writing for tech and seeing the state of the industry with AI, I failed to get clients for freelance writing.

I really want to start a business but I don’t have any other skills besides writing, so I feel overwhelmed and unmotivated.

I have one good friend who is supportive. A shitty, abusive relationship track record. Never been married nor experienced real love. For socializing, I go to meetups with random people as much as my health allows.

I feel like I peaked in high school when I was hot and popular and the irony of it all is that I went to an Ivy League college and was supposed to have a very different life.

I mourn that life almost daily. I exercise and meditate and go on long walks. I listen to motivational speakers. But I also drink and take too much of my klonopin just to have a mental relief from all the trauma and regret.

I really want to turn my life around and make something out of myself. I can’t imagine the rest of my life being disabled and living at my parents house, alone and lonely. Is it too late?

How do I find my North Star? Or the motivation to keep going after so much suffering, pain, and disillusionments.

Any and all kind advice is welcome.

Thanks!