32 M. What is wrong with me?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe someone can assist me? I can’t afford professional help, so it’s this or nothing because I feel like my family and friends don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain to them before, but no one understands. I don’t even quite understand, but the truth is—I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

It’s like I don’t actually want to see myself be happy and successful. I know that I have the potential to live the life I’ve always dreamt of, or at least to become financially stable, but for some reason, I hold myself back.

I battle crippling fear and anxiety daily over everything. Sometimes, I win those battles, and I’m able to have a successful day. And sometimes—like I have for the past two weeks—I lose that battle. I have so much fear in me, it’s insane.

I was on track with everything I should be doing to reach my goals. I was consistent and winning those daily battles for about two months. Then, I got knocked down because I wasn’t getting paid by clients for my business. My internet got cut. I had no food to eat. It was a mess, so of course, I got thrown off track.

But it’s been a month since things have finally settled down, and I’m trying to get back into my routine like I was before—but I am beyond struggling, and I don’t know why.

Why is it so hard for me to get up and do what needs to be done so that I can live my best life and actually be happy?

I don’t get up on time. I don’t do what I’m supposed to be doing when I do get up. I’m all over the place. I can’t seem to settle down.

And I am currently battling a weed and porn addiction on top of everything.

What is wrong with me? I have always been this ambitious person—a real go-getter—but now I feel like I’m just scared all the time of everything. And it’s so bad that I feel like I can’t move, like I don’t want to move.

My life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere with this issue of self-control and self-discipline.

I don’t know what to do at this point.

Why can’t I just get it together and keep it together?

What is wrong with me?