3 Months Clean

I (32F) have been addicted to being on dating apps since I was 18. For the first time in my life, I have gone more than 3 months off of them. I treat this like an addiction, because it truly has been one for me. I know it's not the standard addiction that has more physical/long term effects like drugs or alcohol, but I think this addiction did way more to my mental health and psyche than I ever expected.

I've been talking to my counselor for months about it and how I just desperately wanted to be wanted by people. In my 20s, I just wanted to prove I was wanted and could be desired. My sense of self worth was absolutely gone and next to nothing. Of course, nothing substantial ever came from any of this. Two short term relationships (less than 2 months each), a FWB that is now a pen-pal, and just an unnecessary amount of bad dates, supbar experiences, and trauma. I blame myself for some of this though because I just kept putting myself through this. It was a fun story to tell people (bad dates and experiences), but other times it wasn't my fault (trauma), because no one asks to get assaulted/stalked/harassed.

I had been so empty, miserable, and lonely that I wanted to just talk to anyone, even if they didn't give a fuck about me. I was so determined to fall in love and find the love of my life online. I was in love with the idea of being in love, but now I have commitment issues and paranoia that I'm working through with my counselor. I would uninstall the apps when I had enough, and then redownload them when I got bored because "maybe this time will be different".

I know some of you may not think this is an addiction, but this was for me. When you want something so badly, you go for it, no matter how badly it makes you feel. And I fucking hated myself for so long that I was searching for validation in people that didn't even know me.

I have shifted my focus in life and I truly have to thank my counselor for this. I am focusing so much more on my art business and my quality of life. I don't care to find comfort and solace in strangers as much anymore, especially when I travel the country frequently and see my friends. I am choosing to find people in the life I'm living and not the one I'm hiding in.

Sorry for rambling and I hope this is the right place for this but I just wanted to let this out. And I hope if anyone is feeling the same to any of this, you feel a little more comfort or peace knowing you're not alone. 🖤