19 I feel past my prime and always thinking of when me and my loved ones will die

What the title says. It's been like this since I was 15/16? I think about death and aging all day everyday. I look back at every year I've been alive and hate that I've grown. I find life in itself cruel and humans to be like self soothing apes in my eyes... trying to constantly cope with the fact that EVERYTHING is constantly changing, dying. I dont look forward to becoming old and ugly and even closer to death. Im so scared of my mom dying. I hate the passage of time. I come to reddit about this everyday and no answer satisfies me. I will wake up sad that even another day has passed, even closer to my end. This mindset is so debilitating I haven't talked to friends or family in months and I feel so alone but its like why bother? we'll all be dead before we know it