15+ years isolated as an agoraphobic hermit, but for the past couple months I've been going to the gym.

I'm still completely alone with nothing (no friends, no relationship, no job), and I have no future whatsoever to speak of, and it's extremely unlikely that'll ever change for the better. I slammed into my own personal brick wall 15+ fucking years ago at terminal velocity, and while the gym can certainly have its benefits, it can't resurrect the dead.

With that little introduction out of the way, I'm currently going to the gym 3 times a week now. I'm also working with a personal trainer who himself considers me the best client he's ever had, mainly because I'm so proficient at presenting myself in a positive light, and otherwise masking the inner agony I struggle with on a daily basis. Additionally, my personal trainer showers me with encouragement/support whenever we work together, and I always thank/acknowledge him for it in the moment, but unbeknownst to him, his words fall like sparse raindrops onto a rusted out barrel engulfed in napalm. That about sums up the sheer level of self-loathing I'm grappling with here.

To keep this semi-positive though, I suppose I should also mention that I ended up working out at the gym for 3 hours straight yesterday. I had my initial hour with my personal trainer as usual, but then I trained an additional 2 hours once my brother showed up, as the two of us proceeded to work out together. Needless to say, but I'm pretty amazed I had enough energy for all that. I probably ended up burning somewhere between 1000-1200 calories, which is pretty crazy. When I first started, I couldn't even go 20-30 minutes without becoming so lightheaded that I felt like I was going to faint.

All in all, I continue to make decent progress. Both my mom and my brother were shocked when I flexed in front of them for the first time, given the muscle development in my arms/biceps. Right now I'm hovering around 170 pounds, and at 5' 11", that still makes for a decent BMI.

Next to the physical benefits, it also forces me to interact with others and to be exposed to semi-crowded public spaces.

Even so, I've made all these victories which, I'll admit, are HUGE, and yet still, they feel like nothing to me. Futile gestures that leave me just as alone and bereft of genuine hope as ever. I mean, at the end of my sessions, I've got nothing to go back to. Going home simply means re-entering this pitch black underworld which erodes my mental health like so much tattered cloth tossed into a container of sulphuric acid. As it is, it's almost like I need a personal trainer for life. In other words, I really need a good IRL friend. Someone that I could hang out with, and be allowed to feel all the safety/authenticity that comes with knowing the sort of person who likes you for you, and who isn't going to be weirded out or scared away by whatever it is you're struggling with. I've never met anyone like that IRL, and I really, really need to. I've needed to for years and years and years. I'm sure most would agree that I've got to start living my own life somehow, instead of drowning in the proverbial quicksand of this excruciating isolation on a nightly basis.

Welp, hopefully something will finally shift into place at some point, and I won't have to keep waking up each day intensely hating every moment of my existence, as I continue to remain completely bankrupt of the faintest residue of self-acceptance and self-esteem.